the last time. numero dos.

it's been exactly one week now since i nursed tenley for the last time. i wish i had gotten around to writing this post a little sooner to catch all the emotions of it, but it's a whirlwind over here these days and i sometimes barely have time to do..well..anything. so yeah, just getting around to it.

if someone would've looked into the future when you were around, oh, 1-2 months old and told me that i'd be sitting here today crying about being done nursing you i would've laughed! we struggled, boy, did we struggle to get things right. and i cried and cried. and got angry and impatient. i wanted to give up so many times. but we pressed on. and i had the best encourager. i don't know how we would've made it without your daddy. he was always there to support me even in the wee hours of the morning. even when he had to go to work the next morning. your daddy is just the best.

so we sat there in that same place where we struggled all those weeks. and i marveled at how easy it had become. how it all came together. how we'd grown. together and individually. i ran my fingers through your brown hair that i always swore was starting to fill in blonde. i studied your face and stroked your cheeks. i praised God for bringing us to this place.

you, my dear, are beautifully wild. your soul is so complicated and free. i know you are not mine to keep. it was a pleasure to be able to be so close for a time to something so wild.

saying good-bye to a home and a chapter.

the nostalgia began as soon as my tires hit the highway.

the skies were the perfect shade of gray, mist fell lightly on my windshield, the trees were extra prickly and the auburn tones of the hills drew me in.

it's typical for the thoughts in my head on the -not so quite- 2 hour drive back "home" to be somewhat sentimental, but this day was a bit different.

i was heading "home" for my mother's retirement party and to say good-bye to the home we grew up in.

you see my mom worked at one place for 37 years. yep, that's right. 3-7 years. this place was not just a place of work. it was a place of love and of friendship and family. my mom and dad met there. baby showers and wedding showers were thrown there. many birthdays and picnics and holiday parties-mom's gold party dress will always be embedded in my mind. the smell of my dad's cologne, his tie, and the clicks of mom's shoes as they got ready for work. this place was special even before my sister and i were born and then as we grew the people were still there. the people, that's what made this place. joyce-always singing someone happy birthday opera style mind you. marsha-always making everyone laugh, richard-giving us money to go buy something from the candy/pop machines in the cafeteria, angela-always had a smile on her face and something nice to say, lanny-too cool for school, linda and her california raisins, pam, donna and ida, just to name a few, dad-the prankster, and mom was, well, she was the proud momma-every time we were up for a visit she would parade us around the office and once rylan and tenley were born the parading carried on another generation. i couldn't be more blessed to know these people. they have celebrated birthdays with me, graduations, my wedding and now my babies. these people are great.

the party went well. my momma spoke and did a good job at making us all cry. it's been a long time coming and, perhaps, she won't stop working, i doubt she ever will, but it's a new season and a new journey and i'm excited for her.

on the way out my sister and i passed by my mom's old office. it was strange seeing someone else in that chair. i will never forget that place or the times i spent sleeping under her desk, but most of all i will never forget the people.

afterwards, we stopped at our favorite BBQ joint in town. then we took the faithful drive back to our old home. my mom and dad moved out about 3 years ago and have been trying to sell it ever since. the day had finally come so it was time to say our good-byes.

i followed rylan down the hall and watched him head directly for my old room. it was as if he knew, straight to the very room where momma laid in bed every night and listened to the distant rumble of the train. where sleepovers were had, where my best friend kim got stuck in the bathroom and had to hammer the hinges off the door to get out, where we jammed out to destiny's child and snuck out the back door, where i did a lot of thinking and growing up and most importantly where i finally realized how much i needed the Lord in my life.

we walked through every room that night and shared different memories. like how the light switch in the "red room" was upside down still to this day by dad's "handiwork" and how the door to the closet sticks. how we "fished" with our toy fishing poles in the hallway and exactly where the floor creaks in the living room.

that house is bursting at the seams with memories, some good, some bad, but it will always hold a special corner in my heart.

we took a family picture out front and i drove away for the last time.

good-bye old house. may you be filled with lots of joy, laughter and love in the days to come.

i will miss you my dear friend.

my baby.

it's started to sink in that my baby will no longer be my "baby" when this new little one comes along.  

big brother.

it's hard to take in right now. i'm feeling all sorts of emotions about it and the pregnancy hormones don't help. it's one of the most bittersweet things i can imagine, watching one baby grow up, taking on a new role in life and then welcoming another in his place.

it's the weirdest of feelings, a mix of loss and gain that i most definitely can't describe in its entirety.

whenever the sadness starts to creep in i remind myself that i still have 5 months with this baby sitting in front of me. 5 whole months with rylan as my baby. 5 whole months to kiss his chubby cheeks and to dance around the living room. just me and him.

i'm doing my best to just soak it all in. i love you baby.
both of you.

and to the crib he went.

while we're on the subject of letting go...

why don't we hit up the fact that my baby no longer prefers napping on the couch with me.

i was honestly dreading the day that we would have to transition nap time with me on the couch to the crib mainly because it's my favorite and also because i heard it would be a nightmare since he was already 12 months old and still lying there by my side. but all of a sudden it just happened. i can't even remember how. all i know is one day we laid down on the couch for our usual after lunch nap and he started crying and to the crib he went. and that's where he wants to be now.

i will admit to withdraws of his warmth and just the simple presence of him being there in my arms, but i know this is just another part of letting him go.

i am so grateful for the many naps that we had together in "our spot" on the couch. and i'm so glad that i took each one of them in. i'm sure you'll let me get one in with you every now and then...right??! ;)

thank you God for making this process so gradual. this is hard on us mommas! even the thought of much more right now is making my stomach turn.

take it easy on me baby boy! you could slow down just a teeny tiny bit ;)

love you, my little forever nap time buddy,
momma

letting go.

so i was thinking. this thing called mommyhood, aka the "letting go" process, it's just plain tough sometimes. i'm on the down slope of weaning ry. i feed him once when he wakes up in the morning and once before he goes to bed. funny thing, or the not so funny thing, is i've been noticing how easy it's been for him every time i drop a feeding. reality sinks in.

he no longer "needs" me.

it's sort of a sobering thought that i better get used to.

"he no longer needs me".

well, for this at least.

breast-feeding came so easily for us. it was "our" thing. something only we share. it's a closeness no one else knows. all the times i've held you close and stroked your hair and breathed you in. nothing can touch those times.

you and i have something special baby boy, even if you don't always "need" me.

i'm holding you extra close and soaking it in these next few weeks as this time together is almost up.

love you forever,
momma