africa, i am forever changed.

so, i had almost half of a post written about my trip to africa, but for some reason it just sat and sat without ever coming to conclusion. i read and reread what i had so thoughtfully and carefully written out and i just couldn't get over thinking that it didn't even sound like me. funny how just a few weeks can change you.

i feel like i've had a bit more time to process my trip now and maybe that's why i felt the need to start this whole post over. but hey, it's whatever.

there's so much to say about my trip to africa.

you know, like it's completely and entirely different from America. the sights, the sounds, all the fruit-bearing trees, the slow way of life, the women walking for miles and miles with babies strapped to their backs and somehow still managing to gracefully balance towers of supplies on their heads, the dirt being swept outside a hut just for us to make a visit, the way that the children cared for each other, babies, just babies caring for babies.

and some of the biggest smiles you ever laid eyes on.

these people. they are people that i will never forget. some of the most humble, content and joyful people on the planet. oh, and to worship with these people! there's nothing like it. heaven will be a glorious sight with these dear brothers and sisters!

but there were hard things too. like, i don't know if i've ever worked so hard and still felt so small. and how overwhelmed i felt at the harvest. and how much the people wanted us there and want us to come back. and how much i wanted to help, but all along they were the ones helping me.

i can't help but think that maybe i needed this trip just as must as they did.

i know it's cliche and that lots of people say experiences like this will "change you forever", but it really is true.

....

africa, has forever changed me.

....

as we were riding on the bus one day it just hit me. the red dirt! uganda has red dirt *almost* just the same as oklahoma! it looks just the same! but, make no mistake, it's volcanic! -thanks for that little nugget, doug-the geologist on our team :) but it's just the same you know, stains real down deep, leaves marks in your soul. it may never be washed out and reminds you of home, though so very different and so very far away.

it did my soul good to follow this path of obedience that was scary for me and, as hard as it was, it did my soul good to leave my family and all that was comfortable.

God worked through us during those 10 days, and it was definitely all about His glory and others coming to know Him, but He has a mysterious way of flipping the script, as some of you may know. we worked long and hard days and as we poured ourselves out, He was simultaneously pouring into us. our hearts were broken. our eyes were opened. and our souls were changed.

i learned some things about myself as well and how much i need to be in constant prayer and communion with Him and not just one lousy, checked off, often missed or squeezed in time in His Word. and you know, that moves mountains!

so yeah, "forever changed" will have to do because that's just what happened.

this is the week i leave for africa.

so i'm just sitting here thinking about how i could definitely use a snuggie right about now and, no big deal or anything, but the fact that i leave for africa (AFRICA !!) in two and a half-ish days.

bonkers, just bonkers.

so yeah, in just a few short days i'll be lugging tons of suitcases (3 to be exact plus a carry on plus a backpack with my purse stuffed inside-hey, it's not all for me thank you very much) to the airport and kissing my family goodbye for a solid ten days.

it's going to be touuuuugh.

just thinking about it gives me a pit in my stomach. i'm not quite sure how i'll handle all the emotions of it just yet, but i'm confident that God will provide what's needed.

the anticipation and waiting has probably been the hardest thing. our team has felt satan's attacks as well as i have. satan really is crafty. things i could never have come up with on my own. he's been throwing all the tricks at me lately...doubt, confidence blows, anger struggles and so on. yesterday was bad. he hit me hard and i wish i would've let him have it. i was defeated.

but thank goodness God's mercy is new every morning! it's a new day and i know i cannot do it on my own. even Jesus, you know, wore the armor of God! JESUS. man, i reeeeally need that armor.

so please be praying for our trip and for satan to be displeased! may God be glorified in UGANDA!

peace!

oh! how he loves us!

as i sit in the floor with my children while one presses hard up against me and the other asks me yet another question ("mom what are you doing?") i cant help but feel overwhelmed with gratefulness.

this last weekend a young wife and mother from the church nick and i were members of all through college and the first few years of our marriage passed away. she fought a nasty, nasty cancer for a little over a year. she had numerous treatments, scans, surgeries, sleepless nights, excruciating pain and the evil just continued to spread throughout her body.

her spirit just grew sweeter though.

i've heard countless stories of her joyful and selfless heart. how she cared for others although she was in horrendous pain, the peace that people felt as they entered her hospital room, how she shared Jesus' love with everyone around her-doctors, nurses, loved ones and people following her story all around the world.

we didn't know her well, but have had the privilege to pray for her and her family throughout this battle. she leaves behind a husband of 8 years, a 4 year old daughter, her father, mother and sister, as well as many other friends and family.

as a wife of 6 1/2 years and a mother of two, i can't help but share in the feeling of the deep deep sadness of being separated from a loved one. things have definitely been put into perspective for me. though she is now cancer free and rejoicing with her Savior in heaven i know that she longed for many more days with her loved ones on earth.

this morning i fought hard against the ache in my back while lugging my 2 1/2 year old to the sink for an after breakfast scrub down. i thought about kelsey and how she would have loved to wash her daughter's hands one last time. i really watched as i scrubbed his little fingers together, the water washing away the sticky syrup and pancake crumbs. i didn't mind so much the dirty diapers, the spit up in the carpet, the pajama pants struggle. i thought of kelsey when i washed my hands for the billionth time and felt satisfied in the work i had done. the putting up of the toys (again) as well as the dishes (again). it's all for them. the ones that i love. and today i'm thankful for all of it. the stinky, the crying, the mess, and the clean ups because they are all signs of our life together.

i think back on a wonderful woman who lost her husband this past year and how she compared the separation from him as what God must've felt when He sent His son to earth to die on a cross. oh, what a love He must have for us! to send His only son!

although it is hard for us to fully comprehend everything in our earthly wisdom, kelsey is home, fully healed and complete, celebrating with her Savior, her first love.

please be praying for kelsey's family as they learn to live life without her. please pray that her daughter would be drawn closer to a saving relationship in Christ and that one day they would be united together in heaven! please ask God to give her husband comfort and peace that could only come from Him and wisdom as he leads their family.

i'm still learning to be more present in my life every single day and hope to be better at soaking it all in. chaos and mess included.

she who is brave is free.

via

i have a feeling i'll be repeating this to myself over and over again during the next few months. heck, this will probably become my lifetime motto, but whatever. 

today i committed to go on a ten day mission trip to Uganda with my church.

yes, i've been on mission trips. yes, i've been overseas. and yes, i'm still terrified of flying, but let's not go there.

it all started with an urging in my heart. from God? maybe, possibly, probably. anyway, i was convinced that i needed to go on a mission trip by the end of this year, which by all means was going to be pretty nearly impossible since i do have a baby and all. however, one sunday morning i noticed in the church bulletin that there was going to be a trip the month before tenley turned one! perfect! right? i somehow managed to wrangle up 6 cheetahs and make it to the one and only group meeting about the trip. i left feeling a bit torn. i was excited yes, but of course, as the Lord would have it, i'd be going with a group of total strangers (desperate introvert feeling) and i'd have a little less than a month to decide.

i went back and forth on my decision over the next few days and weeks and procrastinated it at best and excused it at worst. and then like many of old hailey decisions it came down to the wire and the answer just snuck up on me.

sometimes things or situations cause us to tighten our grips. you know, fear. nothing has caused this more in me than becoming a momma. it's easier to make excuses now, sometimes they are legitimate, but nonetheless, it's easier to get out of things and to let fear fester. i'm scared to leave my babies. i keep playing the what if games in my head, what if something happened to them or to me? i'm scared to miss something and everything. i'm scared to be away from them. i'm afraid that they might want me or need me and i won't be there. i'm afraid that ten days is too long.

but there's something that i'm even more afraid of, that my soul will not quit wrestling with...

i don't want to wake up one day and realize that i let my excuses, my fears, talk me out of being a living, walking, talking and breathing example to my babies of how to follow Christ. in 1 corinthians 11 paul urges the corinthians to follow his example as he follows Christ. Lord help me be an example worthy of being followed! may my children see your strength and power in me. help me to walk in your spirit and not in weakness or fear!

so yes! please be praying for me and with me friends as this will be a difficult and challenging time. i'm determined to not let satan win! to God be the glory!

-hailey

the power of the cross.

i'm my own worst enemy sometimes and forgiving myself has got to be one of the most difficult things i struggle with.

some days i feel like a total failure as a mom. i know i'm not perfect, none of us are. but i'm reminded as i sit here today, on this day, Good Friday, that there was only one perfect man and His name is Jesus Christ.

and do you know what He did for me? for you? for all of us? He left His father-the one whom He is One with-in heaven, came to earth, and took all the sins of the whole world and nailed them to the cross with Him when He died. but wait, it doesn't end there! HE ROSE AGAIN! now that's some power!

"but God shows his love for us in that while we were STILL sinners, Christ died for us."

"...because we have concluded this: that one has died for all, therefore all have died; and he died for all, that those who live might no longer live for themselves but for him who for their sake died and was raised. from now on, therefore, we regard no one according to the flesh...in Christ God was reconciling the world to himself, not counting their trespasses against them...we implore you on behalf of Christ, be reconciled to God. for our sake he made him to be sin who knew no sin, so that in him we might become the righteousness of God."

"there is no past, present, or future sin of yours that has more power than the cross of Christ."

the blood of Christ washes away all our sins and the power of the Christ sets us free to LIVE! now if the one and only perfect God man can forgive me-why shouldn't i forgive myself?

-sitting here blessed and changed by the power of the cross.

amen!

hope you had a happy Easter!

revision.

oh my has the Lord been working on this ugly heart of mine lately!

it's crazy how He strategically uses marriage and parenthood to shape us, to draw to the surface all the impurities in our lives. well, let me tell you, baby girl is already being used by God in a mighty way to shape this momma!

unlike rylan, miss tenley seems to be quite the challenge for mommy and daddy (sorry tenley!) and with these challenges the "pot" has been stirred.

these stirrings have led to convictions: oh how simple it is to love when things are easy and how effortless it is to be happy on the good days.

ouch.

i'm reading in Ecclesiastes and today i read this:

"In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other"

i'm praying for lots of things these days and i'm glad to be reminded of how much i need Him again. as a momma, my prayers are largely for my kiddos, but i've realized that all the things i'm praying for them start with me. it's almost like God was saying, "you want them to be patient, YOU gotta be patient. you want them to have self control, YOU gotta have self control".

that being said and with all the self reflection going on over here, i've been given a new "vision" for this space of mine. things aren't always easy as a mom, life is tough and i just want to be real. i just want to share my life and encourage. yes, this place is mostly a love spot for my babies and for all of our memories, but my hope is also that somehow i could build up mothers along the way.

i'm praying for all you mothers (and "not-yet" mothers) out there to find contentment in the hard days as well as the easy ones.

remembering God's faithfulness/the scare.

you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you're brought to tears?

i did today.

this happens on occasion for me pregnancy hormones or not.

i was remembering God's faithfulness.

side note: i get so frustrated sometimes at the Israelites and all the times they forget about God's faithfulness to them-i mean c'mon He parted the red sea for you guys for crying out loud! and yet we do the same thing.

but i'm thankful when i have these moments and am brought to tears remembering God's faithfulness to us.

you see this pregnancy hasn't been easy. at about 11-12 weeks we had a major scare. that morning i went in to the hospital with nick and rylan for routine blood work. afterwards, we ran a couple of errands and then headed home. i was having some cramping, but didn't really think anything of it. once we pulled into the garage i stood up to get out of the car and i felt a gush of something. -now those of you who have been pregnant know about the occasional bladder control issues so i was thinking maybe that was my problem and quickly made my way to the bathroom.

red was all i saw.

my heart sank. i began repeating to myself over and over again, "this isn't happening, this isn't happening". i yelled for nick. and i could tell by his face that he was crushed too because there's no way you have that much blood loss and everything be ok when you're pregnant.

i quickly rinsed off in the shower and we made our way back to the hospital. we prayed anyway.

we were taken back to a room after what seemed like an eternity and i had more blood work done. finally an ultrasound. we expected the worst, but prayed for the best. then we saw our baby. and the doctor said (she) was ok. we couldn't believe our ears. nick literally asked the doctor to repeat himself. and then we cried.

God was faithful. God is faithful.

and now at almost 30 weeks i am thankful. thankful that we've made it this far and for every little kick. i'm just waiting and longing for the day that i see her face and touch her skin because it will be that much sweeter.

thank you Lord for her life.
we can't wait to meet her.

(rylan and i)

a little, or not so little, baby bump catch up.

yea, i think to say "little" here would definitely be an understatement, but let's just run with it folks. our "little" lady has got me expanding at unnatural rates as of late. and the statement "about to pop" comes to mind. and yes i'm as tired as i look in the photos. so let's just pretend for a moment that i'm all sorts of rested up, that there's no such thing as late night potty breaks and that my hip pain and nausea are a thing of the past! hip-hip-hooray!

i've been thinking a lot lately about pregnancy and woah!-has it given me eternal perspective on life. i'm trying to focus on the end goal here-holding my newborn baby will make it all worth it and i see this playing out in life too. keeping myself focused on eternity and "finishing well". HE will be my inheritance.

"forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, i strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

-Philippians 3:14

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith."

-2 Timothy 4:7

Easter 2013

Hope you all had a Happy Easter!

HE IS RISEN!!!

beauty in contentment.

i paused to look at myself in the mirror after i had just gotten mr. grouchy pants down for his afternoon nap. yes, i was sporting my wrinkly old white tee and my hot pink sweats, but in that moment i felt beautiful.

there was just something about that moment where i felt utterly content in, well, everything. my hair was a mess, i just got done scrubbing ry's grubby little fingers, and wiping up leftover taco meat from lunch, but suddenly when i stopped to look i saw pure joy.

i was satisfied in my grungy outfit and my ponytail. i was satisfied in the soreness in my back. i was satisfied with the toys in the living room and the slightly less than perfectly clean kitchen. i was satisfied because they were all signs of him. and the joy he brings.

yes, there are most certainly more glamorous things in the world than changing diapers and wiping snotty noses, but today i felt like a queen.

you see i feel blessed. blessed that i was able to bring life into this world. blessed that i am able to stay  home with my baby every day. blessed to chase him all around the house. blessed to pick up his toys over and over again. blessed to be his momma.

i am content.

no other title in the world could be as sweet. ma-ma.

there is beauty in contentment.

a new year.

welp, 2012 is a wrap.
and i think it's safe to say it was one of my most favorite years yet. since baby boy was born on december 22, 2011, the majority of his life has been in 2012 so i guess that has a little something to do with why i'm pretty partial to it. 2013, you have a lot to live up to ;)

i don't think i made any "resolutions" last year other than "keep the new baby alive" so the mr. and i decided to make some goals for this year. and i thought i'd share mine here as it's an easy place to help keep myself accountable.

hope you guys have a blessed year! i'm looking forward to growing closer to my Jesus and am curious to see what's in store!

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand. Psalm 31:14-15

merry christmas.

"For unto us a Child is born,
Unto us a Son is given;
And the government will be upon His shoulder.
And His name will be called
Wonderful, Counselor, Mighty God, Everlasting Father, Prince of Peace."

Isaiah 9:6

our adoption story. part 2.

read part 1 here.

the idea of having two babies didn't last long though. in june we received a call that the birth mother was in labor (2-3 weeks early). the birth parents wanted us at the hospital. did i mention that they lived in another state and that we literally had nothing for the baby? oh yeah, true story. so we hurried to the closest baby store and bought the one thing we needed most, a car seat, to bring the baby home.

then we began our 4 1/2 hour drive. i've commented before on my utter disdain for movies where everything goes wrong, well, it seemed as if we had entered one of them. we were already looking at arriving around 10 pm or so when we got a flat tire. yep. that's right, a flat tire. luckily we have some amazing friends that lived nearby and they offered to switch cars with us and even got us a new tire! what a blessing!

it was now approaching midnight as we pulled up to the hospital. all sorts of nervousness and anxiety loomed over us. and i, being 3 months pregnant, was experiencing some fun "night sickness". we rode up the elevator and were finally face to face with the birth parents. they seemed to be fairly happy and we all chatted like normal. part of the "hospital plan" was that we would keep the baby over night while the birth parents would have him during the day until it was time to sign the papers.

so we met him. he was so tiny and cute. he had his daddy's nose. but there was always this sense in me that he wasn't mine. maybe it was God's way of protecting me or maybe i was just scared. plus i spent the first half of the night puking in the bathroom.

with all that was going on with me, i got to see what an amazing father nick was going to be. he stayed up all night with the baby. i woke several times to him singing and rocking him. it was beautiful.

insert one minor detail *we had not completed our home study*. we could not leave the hospital with the baby until we had done so. the next morning we said our goodbyes to the baby and headed back home to complete the process. little did we know this would be the last time we'd ever see him.

on our way home we received a call from the agency director. she said that the birth mother was struggling with her decision about the adoption. we were told to stay home until we heard anything further. sadness filled the car. we knew this was a possibility, but really, that wasn't going to happen to us. or would it?

we finished our home study and continued on our emotional roller coaster. we were told to come back to the area and wait for her final decision.

so we made the drive back down and went to lunch trying to distract ourselves in any way possible, but nothing was working. after lunch, we stopped at a book store where i bought Baby Wise and began reading it. the whole time we were sick to our stomachs and praying to find out soon. the wait was killing us.

then it was finally time. the director and another girl who worked for the agency showed up to talk to us. i began sobbing. they had decided to parent. i remember gathering up my words to say how i would always worry about him.

time does heal. we spent a couple of days with our friends that were in the area and then took the rest of the week off work. i do still think of baby "H" often. when i found out that they named him the name that we had chosen for him, i cried. little does he know that he was named after a famous missionary and that he still has a couple of people praying just that for his life.

i cannot say for certain why God took us on this little venture, but what i do know is that our relationship with Him and each other grew bounds.

i'm also so thankful to God for giving me rylan to help ease the pain. i cannot imagine how much more difficult it would have been on me without my little man. thank you God for the blessing of his life. and what perfect timing.

though our adoption story may not have ended perfectly, i know i serve a faithful and all-knowing God.  His plans are always better than mine and all He asks is that i obediently follow Him.

our adoption story. part 1.

so yeah, i can bet most of you haven't heard this one.
mainly because this story is probably one of the most difficult and emotionally draining times we've ever experienced in our married life.

and also because it doesn't have the "normal" happy ending.

it all began with a call from one of nick's friends from back home. we were informed about a situation at an adoption agency-they were in dire need of adoptive families. a little background here: nick and i are a part of a church family that really encourages adoption and the message that it portrays of God's love towards us and we've been pretty open to the idea of it. we just weren't sure about the timing. in my head, though, i always imagined that we would have a biological baby first. more on that later.

we had only been trying to get pregnant for a couple of months when we got the call, but we sensed the urge to get more information. nick began conversing with the adoption agency and they confirmed their urgent need for adoptive families.

oh and the kicker: the babies were all due within 2-3 months and we had one week to decide if we wanted to move forward and one month to finish all of the paperwork.

talk about overwhelming.

i immediately began to withdraw from the situation and the idea that my plans would be ruffled if we moved forward with the process. i couldn't even really talk to God about it because my heart was so hard. i wanted my way. 

it was friday night and we had two days to decide. we were sitting at dinner at texas roadhouse when tears started to fill my eyes. i knew what we were supposed to do.

we started the paperwork and by some sort of miracle finished everything on time.

there was a surprise along the way though.

part of the paperwork involved getting a physical. so i went to my OB/GYN and was telling them all about the adoption and the crazy process we were going through. as the nurse was leaving to get the doctor she randomly asked if it was possible that i was pregnant. i said sure and took the "pee" test and sat anxiously in the room. i waited for what seemed like forever. then the doctor entered and told me the most amazing news i've ever heard. "well, it looks like you're pregnant."

i cried, tears of joy.

i had always imagined telling nick this sort of news in some creative way, but i couldn't wait even a second. i called him in the parking lot. we were thrilled.

but this also caused some questions regarding the adoption because most agencies won't let you adopt while you're pregnant. so the first person we told was the director of the agency. we told her that we would still like to be considered for the adoption if they would let us, but we understood either way. they prayed about it and decided to let us continue in the process! we were excited and scared. i mean c'mon two kids under the age of 6 months-that's like having twins!

a few weeks later we were chosen by a couple of college students who were having a baby boy due july 4th. we met with the couple a few times, both aspiring lawyers and very likable, maybe even too likable. adoption stories don't go this well, do they? i mean these were actually nice, intelligent, "put together" people who were trying to make the best decision for this little boy. it all seemed too perfect.

5 years.

on this day 5 years ago we were saying i do's.

there was ice all around, but our hearts were warm.

we were praying for power at the church, but we'd settle for candlelight. 

nothing was stopping this day, not even an ice storm.

it was finals week and your graduation day, but you wanted to marry me instead.

we could wait no longer.

the day had come,
we'd finally be joined as one.
i walked down the aisle to you and we vowed our lives,
together forever, for better or for worse,
before our God.

my voice was shaky, but not in fear.
my heart was strong because i know who holds yours.

an eternity with you is not even enough, but i'm thankful for it and for you and every breath we have together. you are my person. my very best friend. and i am yours. i love you with all that i have and am thankful that He loved us first.

thank you for the past 5 years. you have led well. my love for you is stronger and we have grown so much. i pray for many more years of worshipping our God side by side on earth and for eternity in heaven!

praise Him from whom all blessings flow!
happy anniversary babe, i love you.

Phil. 1: 6
"For I am confident of this very thing, that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus."

homemaking

Source: bradandtrish.blogspot.com via Hailey on Pinterest

sometimes i struggle with sharing completely open and honestly on my space here, but this has been on my heart a lot and i think it's time i let it go.

being a stay at home mom is hard.

there i said it.
i'm just laying it all out there.

 yes, i love spending all day with my baby boy and i wouldn't change it for the world, but that doesn't mean it's not difficult.

sometimes i feel completely undervalued because today we live in a world where it's all about "The American Dream". it's all about climbing the ladder, buying bigger houses, nicer cars, and making more money. it's all about ourselves.

yes, i could be using my college degree and working full time instead of doing the occasional "fill in" job. yes, we could be making lots more money. and yes, at times this is appealing, but at what cost?

is it really going to matter in a hundred years what car i drove or how much money i made?
that house will be torn down someday and that car will make some nice scrap metal.
that money-we can't take it with us.

i'm so thankful for a husband who always brings me back to thinking eternally when i lose sight of the importance of my new role as momma.

there is a soul at stake here.

my son's soul.

nothing is more important than doing my very best to bring him closer to Christ.

so i will spend my days with my son growing in the grace and knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ and longing for the day of his salvation.

and i guess i'll wash a dish or two along the way ;)

"As a father has compassion on his children,
so the Lord has compassion on those who fear him;

for he knows how we are formed,
he remembers that we are dust.

The life of mortals is like grass,
they flourish like a flower of the field;

the wind blows over it and it is gone,
and its place remembers it no more.

But from everlasting to everlasting
the Lord’s love is with those who fear him,
and his righteousness with their children’s children—

with those who keep his covenant
and remember to obey his precepts." - Ps. 103:13-18

"So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal." - 2 Cor. 4:18

The gift of Motherhood

is a joy and a blessing.

something incredibly sacred and impossible to define.

it's crazy how being a mother has come so naturally for me. yes, there are still times when I feel like I don't have a clue what I'm doing, but for the most part I have just been sailing right along. never mind that you fell off the couch the night before our first Mother's Day together.

I'm pretty sure God knew what He was doing, creating us perfectly for one another, you for me and I for you, little one. You have already taught me so much about myself and have helped me find the real me. Momma.

I have loved getting to know you and figuring you out. I have loved learning your cries, the way you like to be put to sleep, things you like to do. It's so much fun when we get things right. Together. We fit. Like a glove. Perfect for me and perfect for you. 

May we continue to help each other grow.

"As iron sharpens iron, so one person sharpens another."

Life is sweeter and brighter with you by my side little man.

Thank you God for the gift of motherhood.

i was made for this

Sometimes I can't even believe how much I was made for this, 

                                      to be a momma.

I mean seriously there is not a single job in this world that fits me better or brings me this much joy. And when I think about the importance of this job of mine I realize the depth and severity of it all. As a Christian the task of raising a child inherits additional meaning and another title: "discipleship".

I am in no way a teacher, but I hope to live my life with purpose by exemplifying how to follow Jesus to my children. So I will teach regardless of my weakness.

"Hear, O Israel! The Lord is our God, the Lord is One! You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your might. These words, which I am commanding you today, shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your sons and shall talk of them when you sit in your house and when you walk by the way and when you lie down and when you rise up. You shall bind them as a sign on your hand and they shall be as frontals on your forehead. You shall write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates."

-Deuteronomy 6:4-9

May Your words always be present on our hearts, in our minds, on our tongues and in our home.

And for the first time in my life, (minus a mission trip halfway across the world), I feel like I'm actively doing what I'm supposed to be doing.

"O mothers of young children, I bow before you in reverence. Your work is most holy. You are fashioning the destinies of immortal souls. The powers folded up in the little ones that you hushed to sleep in your bosoms last night are powers that shall exist forever. You are preparing them for their immortal destiny and influence. Be faithful. Take up your sacred burden reverently. Be sure that your heart is pure and that your life is sweet and clean. The Persian apologue says that the lump of clay was fragrant because it had lain on a rose. Let your life be as the rose, then your child as it lies upon your bosom will absorb the fragrance. If there is no sweetness in the rose the clay will not be perfumed."

-J.R. Miller, The Family

Worrrrrry...Worry.Worry.Worry

It has always been my middle name.

I never thought that my worry would increase, but along came you, baby boy, one of the sweetest gifts I've ever been given.

Some of these worries are not your typical worries. Some are the debilitating growth stunting type. I'm trying not to dwell on them or let them get me down. I'm trying to live with open hands Lord, but his little life is so precious most of the time I only feel him tighten in my grip.

I think about all that I want for him, hopes and dreams and plans, but I can't help but recognize that my plans may not be Your plans.

I worry about him getting teased in school, getting his heart broken, losing the state championship, getting hurt or losing loved ones. I wonder who he'll turn out to be, will he be the God-fearing respectable man that I'm praying for him to be? Will he live his life completely sold out for You? Will You be his refuge, his solid ground?

 I'm praying that You will be his greatest treasure.

It is difficult for me to let go and give You total control, although I know You have it anyway as we are in Your hands.

Help me conquer my worry and my fear. Crush them with Your truths, Lord. Replace them with mighty unshakable trust and faith in You.
You, Lord, are loving and good.
Any momentary trial we face is fleeting.

Nothing surpasses knowing You and spending eternity in Your presence.

"For this reason I say to you, do not be worried about your life, as to what you will eat or what you will drink; nor for your body, as to what you will put on. Is not life more than, food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air, that they do not sow, nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not worth much more than they? And who of you by being worried can add a single hour to his life?...your heavenly Father knows that you need all these things. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness and all these things will be added to you.
So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will care for itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

"Now suppose one of you fathers is asked by his son for a fish; he will not give him a snake instead of a fish, will he? Or if he is asked for an egg, he will not give him a scorpion, will he? If you then, being evil, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your heavenly Father give the Holy Spirit to those who ask Him?"

I know that it will be a constant battle to fight these worries about the life of my little one, but my hope is that You will shine.

"And He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is perfected in weakness." Most gladly, therefore, I will rather boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. Therefore I am well content with weaknesses, with insults, with distresses, with persecutions, with difficulties for Christ's sake; for when I am weak, then I am strong."

I pray that even through my worries my son will see Your Son.

I read this post last night and it was good for me to hear.

Easter Weekend

Christ is risen from the dead

Trampling over death by death

Come awake, come awake

Come and rise up from the grave

Oh death, where is your sting?

Oh hell, where is your victory?

Oh church, come stand in the light

Our God is not dead, He's alive, He's alive!

Hope you had a great Easter weekend!

I'm guest posting today over at Pencilled Daydream!

Check it out HERE!