i have a feeling i'll be repeating this to myself over and over again during the next few months. heck, this will probably become my lifetime motto, but whatever.
today i committed to go on a ten day mission trip to Uganda with my church.
yes, i've been on mission trips. yes, i've been overseas. and yes, i'm still terrified of flying, but let's not go there.
it all started with an urging in my heart. from God? maybe, possibly, probably. anyway, i was convinced that i needed to go on a mission trip by the end of this year, which by all means was going to be pretty nearly impossible since i do have a baby and all. however, one sunday morning i noticed in the church bulletin that there was going to be a trip the month before tenley turned one! perfect! right? i somehow managed to wrangle up 6 cheetahs and make it to the one and only group meeting about the trip. i left feeling a bit torn. i was excited yes, but of course, as the Lord would have it, i'd be going with a group of total strangers (desperate introvert feeling) and i'd have a little less than a month to decide.
i went back and forth on my decision over the next few days and weeks and procrastinated it at best and excused it at worst. and then like many of old hailey decisions it came down to the wire and the answer just snuck up on me.
sometimes things or situations cause us to tighten our grips. you know, fear. nothing has caused this more in me than becoming a momma. it's easier to make excuses now, sometimes they are legitimate, but nonetheless, it's easier to get out of things and to let fear fester. i'm scared to leave my babies. i keep playing the what if games in my head, what if something happened to them or to me? i'm scared to miss something and everything. i'm scared to be away from them. i'm afraid that they might want me or need me and i won't be there. i'm afraid that ten days is too long.
but there's something that i'm even more afraid of, that my soul will not quit wrestling with...
i don't want to wake up one day and realize that i let my excuses, my fears, talk me out of being a living, walking, talking and breathing example to my babies of how to follow Christ. in 1 corinthians 11 paul urges the corinthians to follow his example as he follows Christ. Lord help me be an example worthy of being followed! may my children see your strength and power in me. help me to walk in your spirit and not in weakness or fear!
so yes! please be praying for me and with me friends as this will be a difficult and challenging time. i'm determined to not let satan win! to God be the glory!