africa, i am forever changed.

so, i had almost half of a post written about my trip to africa, but for some reason it just sat and sat without ever coming to conclusion. i read and reread what i had so thoughtfully and carefully written out and i just couldn't get over thinking that it didn't even sound like me. funny how just a few weeks can change you.

i feel like i've had a bit more time to process my trip now and maybe that's why i felt the need to start this whole post over. but hey, it's whatever.

there's so much to say about my trip to africa.

you know, like it's completely and entirely different from America. the sights, the sounds, all the fruit-bearing trees, the slow way of life, the women walking for miles and miles with babies strapped to their backs and somehow still managing to gracefully balance towers of supplies on their heads, the dirt being swept outside a hut just for us to make a visit, the way that the children cared for each other, babies, just babies caring for babies.

and some of the biggest smiles you ever laid eyes on.

these people. they are people that i will never forget. some of the most humble, content and joyful people on the planet. oh, and to worship with these people! there's nothing like it. heaven will be a glorious sight with these dear brothers and sisters!

but there were hard things too. like, i don't know if i've ever worked so hard and still felt so small. and how overwhelmed i felt at the harvest. and how much the people wanted us there and want us to come back. and how much i wanted to help, but all along they were the ones helping me.

i can't help but think that maybe i needed this trip just as must as they did.

i know it's cliche and that lots of people say experiences like this will "change you forever", but it really is true.

....

africa, has forever changed me.

....

as we were riding on the bus one day it just hit me. the red dirt! uganda has red dirt *almost* just the same as oklahoma! it looks just the same! but, make no mistake, it's volcanic! -thanks for that little nugget, doug-the geologist on our team :) but it's just the same you know, stains real down deep, leaves marks in your soul. it may never be washed out and reminds you of home, though so very different and so very far away.

it did my soul good to follow this path of obedience that was scary for me and, as hard as it was, it did my soul good to leave my family and all that was comfortable.

God worked through us during those 10 days, and it was definitely all about His glory and others coming to know Him, but He has a mysterious way of flipping the script, as some of you may know. we worked long and hard days and as we poured ourselves out, He was simultaneously pouring into us. our hearts were broken. our eyes were opened. and our souls were changed.

i learned some things about myself as well and how much i need to be in constant prayer and communion with Him and not just one lousy, checked off, often missed or squeezed in time in His Word. and you know, that moves mountains!

so yeah, "forever changed" will have to do because that's just what happened.

oh! how he loves us!

as i sit in the floor with my children while one presses hard up against me and the other asks me yet another question ("mom what are you doing?") i cant help but feel overwhelmed with gratefulness.

this last weekend a young wife and mother from the church nick and i were members of all through college and the first few years of our marriage passed away. she fought a nasty, nasty cancer for a little over a year. she had numerous treatments, scans, surgeries, sleepless nights, excruciating pain and the evil just continued to spread throughout her body.

her spirit just grew sweeter though.

i've heard countless stories of her joyful and selfless heart. how she cared for others although she was in horrendous pain, the peace that people felt as they entered her hospital room, how she shared Jesus' love with everyone around her-doctors, nurses, loved ones and people following her story all around the world.

we didn't know her well, but have had the privilege to pray for her and her family throughout this battle. she leaves behind a husband of 8 years, a 4 year old daughter, her father, mother and sister, as well as many other friends and family.

as a wife of 6 1/2 years and a mother of two, i can't help but share in the feeling of the deep deep sadness of being separated from a loved one. things have definitely been put into perspective for me. though she is now cancer free and rejoicing with her Savior in heaven i know that she longed for many more days with her loved ones on earth.

this morning i fought hard against the ache in my back while lugging my 2 1/2 year old to the sink for an after breakfast scrub down. i thought about kelsey and how she would have loved to wash her daughter's hands one last time. i really watched as i scrubbed his little fingers together, the water washing away the sticky syrup and pancake crumbs. i didn't mind so much the dirty diapers, the spit up in the carpet, the pajama pants struggle. i thought of kelsey when i washed my hands for the billionth time and felt satisfied in the work i had done. the putting up of the toys (again) as well as the dishes (again). it's all for them. the ones that i love. and today i'm thankful for all of it. the stinky, the crying, the mess, and the clean ups because they are all signs of our life together.

i think back on a wonderful woman who lost her husband this past year and how she compared the separation from him as what God must've felt when He sent His son to earth to die on a cross. oh, what a love He must have for us! to send His only son!

although it is hard for us to fully comprehend everything in our earthly wisdom, kelsey is home, fully healed and complete, celebrating with her Savior, her first love.

please be praying for kelsey's family as they learn to live life without her. please pray that her daughter would be drawn closer to a saving relationship in Christ and that one day they would be united together in heaven! please ask God to give her husband comfort and peace that could only come from Him and wisdom as he leads their family.

i'm still learning to be more present in my life every single day and hope to be better at soaking it all in. chaos and mess included.

the in-betweens.

sometimes, when i'm least expecting it, i get caught up in the most beautiful moments. there's nothing really special about them. it's just a regular night, you know, the in-betweens. there's no special celebration or birthday or highlight of the day and heck, it was probably most likely a long and rather tedious non-memorable day, but for some reason time just seems to slow down almost like i'm looking in on our life from someone else's perspective, like someone holding a snow globe of my little family looking in on our little home and something becomes special in these tiny fleeting moments as i step away from myself.

just the other night before the kids' bedtime we had a mini pow wow in tenley's bedroom. we went into her tiny dark room and turned on the christmas lights that drape one of the walls and just talked about random things and watched the kids play. we closed out our mini pow wow session as we always do in traditional baker fashion with music and dancing with the babies. nothing seemingly special, oh, but it was!

i really love when these moments happen. when i feel sort of out of my body and i slow down and take it all in. i can really see tenley's fuzzy baby hair and how it's starting to fill in in the back and the way she looks at her brother. i can really hear rylan's voice and feel how tightly he hugs me. and then when i really look at the man in front of me and i'm overwhelmed at how much he loves me and our babies and this life we have made together. these are the moments that i live for. the in-betweens. the regular days. with these regular people. who are far from regular.

on vulnerability and motherhood.

one of the things i've realized over time and especially since i've become a mother is how important it is to be vulnerable with others, just simply having open and honest relationships with people can be mind blowing.

like how much you can learn from one another and how you can encourage each other better and i mean where do you go when you need to rant about another blowout diaper and who do you run to for advice on the never ending potty training and the colic and the specifics of the lanolin cream and the pacifier shapes and the breast pumps and the late night feedings etc...etc...

we weren't meant to do it on our own. we can't do it on our own. these two precious babes of mine are a constant reminder of that for me. i cannot do it on my own. just simply cannot do it. and who wants to anyway right? the lyrics "every hour i need You" have never rung more true and i've been so blessed by all the friendships of the mothers that are doing life right "alongside" me.

these days are long and hard, but so so good. we are tired and exhausted. our energy is spent day in and day out building lives. shaping and molding who these little people will become. tucking in, singing songs, wiping noses, brushing teeth, re-putting on and off socks and shoes, making meals, wiping counters, washing hands, holding and rocking, kissing the boo boos, tickling, time-out-ing, repeating and repeating, oh, and loving! loving so so hard with a love that never quits. a love that endures and seeks patience. a love that longs to be slow to anger and quick to listen. a love that lays down life for life. oh, what a love!

vulnerability and motherhood. it's key, people, key.

**special thank you to all the mothers who have been open and vulnerable with me over the years! you are truly a blessing!

"two are better than one...for if they fall, one will lift up his fellow"

"bear one another's burdens"

"as iron sharpens iron"

"therefore encourage one another and build one another up"

"And let us consider how to stir up one another to love and good works, not neglecting to meet together, as is the habit of some, but encouraging one another, and all the more as you see the Day drawing near." -Hebrews 10:24-25

happiest of days to you mothers.

why i blog.

i know you've probably read about a million and one of these, but i felt it was necessary to do, not just for you, but for me and to help keep myself in check.

first off, i will say that it's so easy to get side-tracked in the blogging world. i'm not really sure why that is, but it just happens, too much and too often in my opinion. i guess it's just easy to look at other blogs and start the comparison games which can, if you let it, lead you astray until you no longer know why you're "here". i'm speaking from a little bit of experience.

this space was started in complete innocence while i was pregnant with our son, rylan. it began with a poem to him. i was lying awake in bed one night waaaay past any decent hour that one should be asleep (which happens quite often around here-i have a tough time "shutting off" so to say) and this poem just came to me and i had to get it out.

in the morning i shared it with nick who proceeded to compliment my writing. my husband then shared it with a friend of his who agreed with the compliments. i can write? who? me? who would've thought it? not me that's for sure.

i mustered up enough courage to get this blog up not really knowing exactly where it would go, but i can see it now.

// 1 //  to remember. i want to remember all the details, big and small. when first steps were taken, how i felt the day my children were born, what they looked like, how they talked, the funny things, the hard things, the good and the not so good and most of all how we loved.

// 2 //  for growth. i hope to be able to look back and see how much God has grown and changed us over time. we know God uses things in our lives to purify us and we want His sanctifying work to be visible. i desire to see this process in progress for myself.

// 3 //  i like to write, simple as that. this blog has created a longing in me to write a book, just one good one will do.

// 4 // to express myself. if you know me then you know i'm not the biggest talker. i'm a bit shy, that is until you've stuck around long enough. but i'v got a lot to say man! sometimes i feel like i'm just going to burst with all the thoughts going on in my head and this is my way to sort through things and get it onto "paper". it definitely helps open up some free space upstairs :).

// 5 // to encourage. it is my hope that as i share our journey others will be encouraged along the way. i have a special place in my heart for mothers and building them up. may we all stay on course, find contentment in the difficult days of motherhood and rid ourselves of the "mommy wars".

and that's that.

the house that built me.

there once was a brown brick house down a winding narrow road lined by trees for miles.
past the baseball fields and under the railroad tracks.
a house filled with memories of a mommy and a daddy and their two little girls.
a yard that was perfect for snowball fights, playing catch, swimming pools, and bare feet.
acres of land that were driven by four wheelers and beloved pets that are buried beneath the ground.
a porch that welcomed you on cold rainy nights and had countless good byes said from it on the steps under the porch light.
a door that creaked as well as some of the floors.
a laundry room filled with basketballs and helmets, socks and shoes.
a kitchen that was cooked in and danced in.
a living room filled with voices.
a dining room table where there once was a fort built.
a hallway that was always a bit creepy and the sound of knuckles being run down the paneling.
bedrooms filled with laughter from sleepovers and early morning wake up calls-the sun flooding the rooms after the curtains were open.
the faint sound of the train in the background.
a den where christmas morning were spent.
and mommy and daddy's room.

there once was a little girl who grew up in this house and will leave so many memories there, the good and the bad, all a part of her.
so good bye one last time, but this time for good.
not a place untouched or a room unseen.
good bye to a house that is loved, but not forgotten.

love always,
the little girl

saying good-bye to a home and a chapter.

the nostalgia began as soon as my tires hit the highway.

the skies were the perfect shade of gray, mist fell lightly on my windshield, the trees were extra prickly and the auburn tones of the hills drew me in.

it's typical for the thoughts in my head on the -not so quite- 2 hour drive back "home" to be somewhat sentimental, but this day was a bit different.

i was heading "home" for my mother's retirement party and to say good-bye to the home we grew up in.

you see my mom worked at one place for 37 years. yep, that's right. 3-7 years. this place was not just a place of work. it was a place of love and of friendship and family. my mom and dad met there. baby showers and wedding showers were thrown there. many birthdays and picnics and holiday parties-mom's gold party dress will always be embedded in my mind. the smell of my dad's cologne, his tie, and the clicks of mom's shoes as they got ready for work. this place was special even before my sister and i were born and then as we grew the people were still there. the people, that's what made this place. joyce-always singing someone happy birthday opera style mind you. marsha-always making everyone laugh, richard-giving us money to go buy something from the candy/pop machines in the cafeteria, angela-always had a smile on her face and something nice to say, lanny-too cool for school, linda and her california raisins, pam, donna and ida, just to name a few, dad-the prankster, and mom was, well, she was the proud momma-every time we were up for a visit she would parade us around the office and once rylan and tenley were born the parading carried on another generation. i couldn't be more blessed to know these people. they have celebrated birthdays with me, graduations, my wedding and now my babies. these people are great.

the party went well. my momma spoke and did a good job at making us all cry. it's been a long time coming and, perhaps, she won't stop working, i doubt she ever will, but it's a new season and a new journey and i'm excited for her.

on the way out my sister and i passed by my mom's old office. it was strange seeing someone else in that chair. i will never forget that place or the times i spent sleeping under her desk, but most of all i will never forget the people.

afterwards, we stopped at our favorite BBQ joint in town. then we took the faithful drive back to our old home. my mom and dad moved out about 3 years ago and have been trying to sell it ever since. the day had finally come so it was time to say our good-byes.

i followed rylan down the hall and watched him head directly for my old room. it was as if he knew, straight to the very room where momma laid in bed every night and listened to the distant rumble of the train. where sleepovers were had, where my best friend kim got stuck in the bathroom and had to hammer the hinges off the door to get out, where we jammed out to destiny's child and snuck out the back door, where i did a lot of thinking and growing up and most importantly where i finally realized how much i needed the Lord in my life.

we walked through every room that night and shared different memories. like how the light switch in the "red room" was upside down still to this day by dad's "handiwork" and how the door to the closet sticks. how we "fished" with our toy fishing poles in the hallway and exactly where the floor creaks in the living room.

that house is bursting at the seams with memories, some good, some bad, but it will always hold a special corner in my heart.

we took a family picture out front and i drove away for the last time.

good-bye old house. may you be filled with lots of joy, laughter and love in the days to come.

i will miss you my dear friend.

i washed my brand new iphone in the laundry machine. oh, and happy new year!

there's nothing worse than washing $200 straight down the drain.

ok, i can think of a few things.

but seriously, did i really have to send 2013 out with this kind of a BANG?!

i hope this isn't a sign for 2014!

or maybe i do...

i'm not going to lie, the phone can be a bit of a distraction for me. there's always something going on, an app to check, email, messages, pictures, articles to read, #hashtags, and it's basically impossible to keep up which i'm pretty sure God didn't intend for us to anyway.

i've been told that God gives you enough hours in the day to get the things done that HE intends-so no more distractions or excuses-I'm hoping to use my time in 2014 in a more God-honoring manner (not that all of those other things were in themselves bad, but the overuse or prioritization of it that's the key here). I'm taking the washing of my iphone in the laundry machine as a sign to focus more on the "real" around me.

FOCUS 2014!

i guess that's my "word" for the year?

revision.

oh my has the Lord been working on this ugly heart of mine lately!

it's crazy how He strategically uses marriage and parenthood to shape us, to draw to the surface all the impurities in our lives. well, let me tell you, baby girl is already being used by God in a mighty way to shape this momma!

unlike rylan, miss tenley seems to be quite the challenge for mommy and daddy (sorry tenley!) and with these challenges the "pot" has been stirred.

these stirrings have led to convictions: oh how simple it is to love when things are easy and how effortless it is to be happy on the good days.

ouch.

i'm reading in Ecclesiastes and today i read this:

"In the day of prosperity be happy, but in the day of adversity consider-God has made the one as well as the other"

i'm praying for lots of things these days and i'm glad to be reminded of how much i need Him again. as a momma, my prayers are largely for my kiddos, but i've realized that all the things i'm praying for them start with me. it's almost like God was saying, "you want them to be patient, YOU gotta be patient. you want them to have self control, YOU gotta have self control".

that being said and with all the self reflection going on over here, i've been given a new "vision" for this space of mine. things aren't always easy as a mom, life is tough and i just want to be real. i just want to share my life and encourage. yes, this place is mostly a love spot for my babies and for all of our memories, but my hope is also that somehow i could build up mothers along the way.

i'm praying for all you mothers (and "not-yet" mothers) out there to find contentment in the hard days as well as the easy ones.

your biggest fan.

yesterday i cried like a baby.

all because of this video.

i was imagining all the simple sweet moments i've had with just rylan and i. little kisses, laughs and hugs. times spent cuddled up real close while i twirl your hair, watching you dance in your pj's and holding your hand as you discover the world. there's been nothing more beautiful than getting to be front row and center at your show. i am your biggest fan. always and forever. don't you forget it my little man.

we only have about 2 weeks left as just the two (or three with daddy :) of us. i keep wondering if this is our last night together before our little family is forever changed. don't get me wrong-i'm so happy to welcome our little lady. i'm just trying to savor this moment in time, taste, see, smell, soak it up for all it's worth-'cause i know it's worth a fortune.

so here's to ry & i and our time as solely us. may you stay this sweet and curious with wonder in your eyes and never forget our season spent growing and learning together in grace and love as a mother and a son. you are my wild thing and i am your safe place.

love always,
-your biggest fan-

momma

remembering God's faithfulness/the scare.

you ever have those moments where all of a sudden you're brought to tears?

i did today.

this happens on occasion for me pregnancy hormones or not.

i was remembering God's faithfulness.

side note: i get so frustrated sometimes at the Israelites and all the times they forget about God's faithfulness to them-i mean c'mon He parted the red sea for you guys for crying out loud! and yet we do the same thing.

but i'm thankful when i have these moments and am brought to tears remembering God's faithfulness to us.

you see this pregnancy hasn't been easy. at about 11-12 weeks we had a major scare. that morning i went in to the hospital with nick and rylan for routine blood work. afterwards, we ran a couple of errands and then headed home. i was having some cramping, but didn't really think anything of it. once we pulled into the garage i stood up to get out of the car and i felt a gush of something. -now those of you who have been pregnant know about the occasional bladder control issues so i was thinking maybe that was my problem and quickly made my way to the bathroom.

red was all i saw.

my heart sank. i began repeating to myself over and over again, "this isn't happening, this isn't happening". i yelled for nick. and i could tell by his face that he was crushed too because there's no way you have that much blood loss and everything be ok when you're pregnant.

i quickly rinsed off in the shower and we made our way back to the hospital. we prayed anyway.

we were taken back to a room after what seemed like an eternity and i had more blood work done. finally an ultrasound. we expected the worst, but prayed for the best. then we saw our baby. and the doctor said (she) was ok. we couldn't believe our ears. nick literally asked the doctor to repeat himself. and then we cried.

God was faithful. God is faithful.

and now at almost 30 weeks i am thankful. thankful that we've made it this far and for every little kick. i'm just waiting and longing for the day that i see her face and touch her skin because it will be that much sweeter.

thank you Lord for her life.
we can't wait to meet her.

(rylan and i)

a little, or not so little, baby bump catch up.

yea, i think to say "little" here would definitely be an understatement, but let's just run with it folks. our "little" lady has got me expanding at unnatural rates as of late. and the statement "about to pop" comes to mind. and yes i'm as tired as i look in the photos. so let's just pretend for a moment that i'm all sorts of rested up, that there's no such thing as late night potty breaks and that my hip pain and nausea are a thing of the past! hip-hip-hooray!

i've been thinking a lot lately about pregnancy and woah!-has it given me eternal perspective on life. i'm trying to focus on the end goal here-holding my newborn baby will make it all worth it and i see this playing out in life too. keeping myself focused on eternity and "finishing well". HE will be my inheritance.

"forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead, i strain to reach the end of the race and receive the prize for which God, through Christ Jesus, is calling us up to heaven."

-Philippians 3:14

"I have fought the good fight, I have finished the course, I have kept the faith."

-2 Timothy 4:7

the day i became a mother.

there is no day like this day.

although i am anxiously awaiting the arrival of my little girl in september and i'm sure that day will be just as sweet, there is something to be said about the day i became a mother.

it all began the day that i found out about you. i started my journey to motherhood that day. you see it's somewhat of a process-becoming a mother, it doesn't just happen overnight and there's always room to grow.

but maybe it began before all of that. maybe it was just even the thought of you. like the time your daddy and i were looking for our wedding reception site and we were dreaming of little blonde babies (ok maybe that was just me, but whatever).

maybe it happened slowly over the first few years of marriage, all the talks, the hopes, the dreams and prayers. or maybe in the long months spent waiting to meet you as you grew within my body.

i'm not certain where exactly it all began, but what i do know is that i was a mother that day. and as i held you in my arms and looked upon your face for the first time something in me was changed forever,

and your life became bigger than mine.

and all of a sudden,
i became a mother.

my baby.

it's started to sink in that my baby will no longer be my "baby" when this new little one comes along.  

big brother.

it's hard to take in right now. i'm feeling all sorts of emotions about it and the pregnancy hormones don't help. it's one of the most bittersweet things i can imagine, watching one baby grow up, taking on a new role in life and then welcoming another in his place.

it's the weirdest of feelings, a mix of loss and gain that i most definitely can't describe in its entirety.

whenever the sadness starts to creep in i remind myself that i still have 5 months with this baby sitting in front of me. 5 whole months with rylan as my baby. 5 whole months to kiss his chubby cheeks and to dance around the living room. just me and him.

i'm doing my best to just soak it all in. i love you baby.
both of you.

beauty in contentment.

i paused to look at myself in the mirror after i had just gotten mr. grouchy pants down for his afternoon nap. yes, i was sporting my wrinkly old white tee and my hot pink sweats, but in that moment i felt beautiful.

there was just something about that moment where i felt utterly content in, well, everything. my hair was a mess, i just got done scrubbing ry's grubby little fingers, and wiping up leftover taco meat from lunch, but suddenly when i stopped to look i saw pure joy.

i was satisfied in my grungy outfit and my ponytail. i was satisfied in the soreness in my back. i was satisfied with the toys in the living room and the slightly less than perfectly clean kitchen. i was satisfied because they were all signs of him. and the joy he brings.

yes, there are most certainly more glamorous things in the world than changing diapers and wiping snotty noses, but today i felt like a queen.

you see i feel blessed. blessed that i was able to bring life into this world. blessed that i am able to stay  home with my baby every day. blessed to chase him all around the house. blessed to pick up his toys over and over again. blessed to be his momma.

i am content.

no other title in the world could be as sweet. ma-ma.

there is beauty in contentment.

a new year.

welp, 2012 is a wrap.
and i think it's safe to say it was one of my most favorite years yet. since baby boy was born on december 22, 2011, the majority of his life has been in 2012 so i guess that has a little something to do with why i'm pretty partial to it. 2013, you have a lot to live up to ;)

i don't think i made any "resolutions" last year other than "keep the new baby alive" so the mr. and i decided to make some goals for this year. and i thought i'd share mine here as it's an easy place to help keep myself accountable.

hope you guys have a blessed year! i'm looking forward to growing closer to my Jesus and am curious to see what's in store!

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand. Psalm 31:14-15

like old times.

you ever have one of those days that just feels like the old days? you know the ones where you decide at 8 pm to load up the pups, hop in your little car and go for some starbucks? the ones where you just go for a drive with the windows down, sun streaming in on your face, and the radio up. the ones where you have nothing to do so you most always end up cuddling on the couch to a movie. sometimes, every once in a while, we catch a small glimpse of our life before we were mommy and daddy. sometimes, most of the time, we can't even remember what life was like before you. and most of the time that's perfectly fine by us. but give us a day with crisp fall air like the brink of winter, rosy cheeks and a side of extra cheesy flirting and we're back in that college town and our hearts feel full again :)

momma, you know i love you.

have i ever told you that i'm overly sentimental sometimes? because i most certainly am, and in all actuality i'm probably 70/30 overly sentimental/normal sentimental. ok maybe more like 80/20, but who's counting, right? well, today is my momma's birthday. HAPPY BIRTHDAY MOMMA!! and as expected i'm feeling overly sentimental and nostalgic.

last night i kept thinking about our life together and how different things are now. had i really known what it meant as i sat on my dorm room bed 8 years ago i probably would have cried. we would never live together again. ever. but i was 18, going on 19, and it didn't occur to me.

now i have my own family and my own baby and life goes round and round. i guess this is what God meant when He talked about man (or in this case wo-man ;) leaving his father and mother.

mom, i am thankful for those 18 years that we had together under the same roof. for all the tears you dried, games you watched, songs you sang, and love you gave. although it makes me sad to think about rylan growing up and leaving to start his own family one day, i am now comforted in the fact that though many things will change, the love will stay the same.

i love you momma.
happy birthday.