one last time.

this past saturday i nursed rylan for the last time.

it was probably one the most difficult things i've had to do as a mother.

i sobbed as i laid there in bed nursing him, stroking his hair, kissing his head and taking in the moment. our last time to ever be that close.

it hurts, but i feel peace. i thanked God over and over again that i was able to nurse him that long and for all the moments of closeness we shared. for the bond that was made every day over the past 13 months, i am grateful.

grateful,
for the first time i held you on my chest.
for all the times i nursed you to sleep,
and for all the times i held you in my arms, as close as we could get.
for all the times i touched your hair,
and for all the times you laid by my side.
all the times you needed me,
and all the times you wanted me.
all the times spent loving you, as a mother does a child.
i am grateful.

rylan's first snow. yes, technically. yes.

well, it just so happened to snow on christmas day at our house this year, but wouldn't you know it-we were out of town! darn the luck! thankfully, when we got back home there was still a thin sheet of it for our boy to "technically" enjoy his first snow. i'm still waiting for old man winter to bring us some more-might as well make himself useful right?!

13 months...say WHAT?

i'm not really sure how to introduce this little letter to you at the moment since you're still a baby, but at the same time you're not. sometimes i try to hold you in my arms like a baby, but you're definitely not a fan, at all. like arms flailing, not a fan. so, i guess "little man" will have to suffice.

little man,

you are so much fun right now! i love this age with you. it just might be my favorite, but then again...they all are, so...is that really saying much?

i get a kick out of watching you walk all over the house. i just love it when i see you walk into a room out of the corner of my eye. your presence is everywhere now. it's especially fun trying to guess what items you'll be carrying around this time, it's almost always a sock, a book or a toy, that is unless you've stolen my wedding ring again. you thieving little turkey! you've got mad walking skills i will give you that. and you're quick and sneaky too! i've got to keep a pretty good eye on you at all times.

your vocabulary has really started picking up as well. it makes my day hearing your sweet voice. a couple of my favorites right now are "thank you" and "ball". the other day you were in an especially good mood and were walking all around the house repeating "thank you" over and over and over again. i died. just flat out died.

two things: 1. you like to put your toy baskets on your head, covering your eyes mind you, and walk around the house. you have no fear. seriously, where did you get that from?? 2. you have started this thing where you point your finger towards me for me to touch with my finger and then you do it to daddy. and repeat. E.T. style. i love it.

all your toys are now referred to as "ball", but that's all that matters in a little boy's world anyways right? oh, did i forget to mention that you actually like your toys and books now? it's a living miracle in our house! a cause for celebration! sometimes you even bring a book to me and sit in my lap as i read it. did you hear that??? SIT!! you SIT! for at least a couple of minutes or so. who would've thought we'd see the day?

we've decided since you're always on the "go" we would be praying verses for you about "going" for the Lord and "never tiring" of serving Him. Matthew 28: 19-20 comes to mind :)

love you always little man,
momma

por favor.

hello friends.

i was just wondering if you would take a few seconds, like seriously 5 seconds, to vote for us on Top Baby Blogs?! they reset the votes today and we need your help to get listed again! you can vote 1x/day. 

thanks so much! happy sunday!

click here

beauty in contentment.

i paused to look at myself in the mirror after i had just gotten mr. grouchy pants down for his afternoon nap. yes, i was sporting my wrinkly old white tee and my hot pink sweats, but in that moment i felt beautiful.

there was just something about that moment where i felt utterly content in, well, everything. my hair was a mess, i just got done scrubbing ry's grubby little fingers, and wiping up leftover taco meat from lunch, but suddenly when i stopped to look i saw pure joy.

i was satisfied in my grungy outfit and my ponytail. i was satisfied in the soreness in my back. i was satisfied with the toys in the living room and the slightly less than perfectly clean kitchen. i was satisfied because they were all signs of him. and the joy he brings.

yes, there are most certainly more glamorous things in the world than changing diapers and wiping snotty noses, but today i felt like a queen.

you see i feel blessed. blessed that i was able to bring life into this world. blessed that i am able to stay  home with my baby every day. blessed to chase him all around the house. blessed to pick up his toys over and over again. blessed to be his momma.

i am content.

no other title in the world could be as sweet. ma-ma.

there is beauty in contentment.

insta-life.

whew! just playing a little catch up of our life the past month or so. of course, we are just busy chasing rylan around most of the time, but that's the fun part right?! we've been cooped up in the house a lot though lately with the cold weather and the nasty flu bug going around. i think it's safe to say we're ready for some warmer temps in our neck of the woods.
bring it on!

and to the crib he went.

while we're on the subject of letting go...

why don't we hit up the fact that my baby no longer prefers napping on the couch with me.

i was honestly dreading the day that we would have to transition nap time with me on the couch to the crib mainly because it's my favorite and also because i heard it would be a nightmare since he was already 12 months old and still lying there by my side. but all of a sudden it just happened. i can't even remember how. all i know is one day we laid down on the couch for our usual after lunch nap and he started crying and to the crib he went. and that's where he wants to be now.

i will admit to withdraws of his warmth and just the simple presence of him being there in my arms, but i know this is just another part of letting him go.

i am so grateful for the many naps that we had together in "our spot" on the couch. and i'm so glad that i took each one of them in. i'm sure you'll let me get one in with you every now and then...right??! ;)

thank you God for making this process so gradual. this is hard on us mommas! even the thought of much more right now is making my stomach turn.

take it easy on me baby boy! you could slow down just a teeny tiny bit ;)

love you, my little forever nap time buddy,
momma

letting go.

so i was thinking. this thing called mommyhood, aka the "letting go" process, it's just plain tough sometimes. i'm on the down slope of weaning ry. i feed him once when he wakes up in the morning and once before he goes to bed. funny thing, or the not so funny thing, is i've been noticing how easy it's been for him every time i drop a feeding. reality sinks in.

he no longer "needs" me.

it's sort of a sobering thought that i better get used to.

"he no longer needs me".

well, for this at least.

breast-feeding came so easily for us. it was "our" thing. something only we share. it's a closeness no one else knows. all the times i've held you close and stroked your hair and breathed you in. nothing can touch those times.

you and i have something special baby boy, even if you don't always "need" me.

i'm holding you extra close and soaking it in these next few weeks as this time together is almost up.

love you forever,
momma

why yes, we did celebrate Christmas.

after ry's first birthday party, we had dinner with nick's side of the family. since they were all in from out of town we celebrated christmas with them that night. that's right, ry had double the presents! maybe being a "christmas" baby isn't so bad after all! i know he's not complaining!

 on christmas eve we went to my family's house and woke up to celebrate on christmas morning. and i must agree with my friend courtney-little boys in christmas pjs are just too much! seeing that little tush in his jams-definitely one of my most favorite things from this christmas :)

by the way...ry may or may not be sporting his christmas jammies again today because i just can't get enough :)

we should celebrate christmas every day, right?!

a new year.

welp, 2012 is a wrap.
and i think it's safe to say it was one of my most favorite years yet. since baby boy was born on december 22, 2011, the majority of his life has been in 2012 so i guess that has a little something to do with why i'm pretty partial to it. 2013, you have a lot to live up to ;)

i don't think i made any "resolutions" last year other than "keep the new baby alive" so the mr. and i decided to make some goals for this year. and i thought i'd share mine here as it's an easy place to help keep myself accountable.

hope you guys have a blessed year! i'm looking forward to growing closer to my Jesus and am curious to see what's in store!

But as for me, I trust in You, O Lord; I say, “You are my God.” 
My times are in Your hand. Psalm 31:14-15