10 months.

welp, you had your very first surgery this month. never thought i'd be saying that about my 10 month old baby. in last month's post we talked about visiting the ENT and you ended up failing the hearing test and tympanogram again with them. the doctor said there was fluid in your ears and only a very small chance for it to drain on its own so it was really up to us on what to do at that point. get tubes now or wait it out. the longest the doctor would wait would be 6 months, only we don't know for sure how long the fluid had already been there. we opted to move forward with the surgery.

deciding to put your baby under anesthesia is not a fun decision to make, but we felt confident that it was the right choice for our situation. my mom came and watched rylan for us since we needed to be at the hospital at 6:30 am for an 8:00 am appointment and we weren't sure how you'd do. you are our "unpredictable tenley" you know. the surgery took no time at all and, of course, in regular tenley fashion, you were mad at the world for about an hour or so after ;). you still hate being held and cuddled so we were literally at a loss at what to do for you. once we got you home and down for a nap you were back to normal. 

we are still waiting to see if this will have any affect on your speech, maybe you just don't like to talk much and if that's the case i totally get it. *update: you've been babbling more and possibly saying da-da and bu-ba, but i'm not sure if we're counting it just yet ;)

you are finally sitting up strong and are pulling yourself up like a champ. your crawl is just the best. it is a hilarious mix of frog hopping and the butterfly stroke. nothing beats it. but hey, you get where you're goin' right? 

you now have 3 teeth on top with a 4th coming in and those two little cuties on bottom are still holding up strong all by their lonesome. slobber-check, crib rail protecters-check. you. chew. and. bite. everything. and i mean EVERYTHING. and what's up with the obsession with the rocks in the fireplace? they don't taste good trust me on this one!

i've already started planning your first birthday party...like seriously...where has this year gone? i still remember your tight little fists and chubby mad newborn face. this is going by way to fast for my liking.

love you forever,

momma

this is the week i leave for africa.

so i'm just sitting here thinking about how i could definitely use a snuggie right about now and, no big deal or anything, but the fact that i leave for africa (AFRICA !!) in two and a half-ish days.

bonkers, just bonkers.

so yeah, in just a few short days i'll be lugging tons of suitcases (3 to be exact plus a carry on plus a backpack with my purse stuffed inside-hey, it's not all for me thank you very much) to the airport and kissing my family goodbye for a solid ten days.

it's going to be touuuuugh.

just thinking about it gives me a pit in my stomach. i'm not quite sure how i'll handle all the emotions of it just yet, but i'm confident that God will provide what's needed.

the anticipation and waiting has probably been the hardest thing. our team has felt satan's attacks as well as i have. satan really is crafty. things i could never have come up with on my own. he's been throwing all the tricks at me lately...doubt, confidence blows, anger struggles and so on. yesterday was bad. he hit me hard and i wish i would've let him have it. i was defeated.

but thank goodness God's mercy is new every morning! it's a new day and i know i cannot do it on my own. even Jesus, you know, wore the armor of God! JESUS. man, i reeeeally need that armor.

so please be praying for our trip and for satan to be displeased! may God be glorified in UGANDA!

peace!

a big boy room.

rylan's "big boy" room has been a work in progress for a while now. i had a couple of items from ikea in mind to replace the dark wood furniture that we had in his nursery so we had to do some online shopping. and waiting. we met a few bumps in the road along the way and after spending literally hours on the phone with ikea and explaining to my neighbors that we aren't just listening to elevator music for fun (if you're gonna keep me on hold that long you could at least play some greatest hits from the 90's to smooth things over) we received the final missing package. or packages. whatever. did you know that if you are missing just one of the packages to your ikea piece of furniture they mail all of the packages regardless? weird, i know. so now we're sitting over here with two of the three packages for an extra mandal dresser. who knows what we're going to do with it. i'm not even about to get back on the phone with ikea and ask them what to do!

a couple of things have been added since these pics were taken and i didn't even get a photo of the mandal dresser (except the top of it pictured above), but it's there and we love it!

bed: the sundvik bed from ikea
bedding: the eivor ord duvet cover and pillow case from ikea, quilt: gift
world map pillow case: similar here
banner: DIY
tee-pee: DIY
toy box: gift
rylan letters and baseball decor: hobby lobby
baseball gloves and shadow boxes: thrift store find
canvas hamper: babies r us
dresser: the mandal dresser from ikea

two and a half.

you're like a little ray of sunshine everywhere you go just spreading light, joy, happiness. i want to be just like you. except for the tantrums, you know, not publicly acceptable for adults and all.

you love to talk and you're pretty good at it i might add. one guy told us that you should be doing the NBC nightly news! i'd be sure to tune in to see that! if i'm ever being too quiet you say, "mommy talk!". bossy too. i can barely keep up ;).

some favorite sayings:

-"mommy whadyou fhank?" aka mommy whatcha think?
-"belax" aka relax
-"i see you hiney!"
-"whatchu doin'?"

you've been obsessed with Siri on our iphones lately. you like to ask what's she's doing. i tell you she's taking a nap ;). one night when you were praying you even thanked Jesus for her! i tried to hold the laughs in, but i lost it! lots of character in you kid.

you have become one of my best friends over the past two and a half years. you are simply one of the most amazing souls on earth and i'm blessed to call you my son. you've changed me, challenged me, made me a better person, and drawn me to my Savior like never before. two and a half years of being abundantly blessed by your life and yet a lifetime with you would never be enough. so here's to more nights praying for your little heart to one day be His and for an eternity together with Him.

p.s. you're a great big brother. minus all the pushing, you know, and the hitting. you're just trying to teach her to stick up for herself, right?

love you forever baby,

momma

the last time. numero dos.

it's been exactly one week now since i nursed tenley for the last time. i wish i had gotten around to writing this post a little sooner to catch all the emotions of it, but it's a whirlwind over here these days and i sometimes barely have time to do..well..anything. so yeah, just getting around to it.

if someone would've looked into the future when you were around, oh, 1-2 months old and told me that i'd be sitting here today crying about being done nursing you i would've laughed! we struggled, boy, did we struggle to get things right. and i cried and cried. and got angry and impatient. i wanted to give up so many times. but we pressed on. and i had the best encourager. i don't know how we would've made it without your daddy. he was always there to support me even in the wee hours of the morning. even when he had to go to work the next morning. your daddy is just the best.

so we sat there in that same place where we struggled all those weeks. and i marveled at how easy it had become. how it all came together. how we'd grown. together and individually. i ran my fingers through your brown hair that i always swore was starting to fill in blonde. i studied your face and stroked your cheeks. i praised God for bringing us to this place.

you, my dear, are beautifully wild. your soul is so complicated and free. i know you are not mine to keep. it was a pleasure to be able to be so close for a time to something so wild.

9 months.

this month has been sort of a trying one for us. mommy got a little worried about how you were coming along with your communication and we ended up getting referred for an evaluation. while we were there you didn't pass your hearing test which was odd because we didn't have any concerns here. they sent us back to our doctor where we had your ears cleaned (hoping that it's just drainage/blockage causing the issues-which could in turn be slowing your communication). we know that you can obviously hear so we aren't exactly sure what's going on. we are now waiting for our ENT appointment and are going to redo your hearing test. in the meantime we've been working extra hard with you and you are now making sounds like bu-ba, ma-ma, and da-da :).

we also received a little bit of negativity at your 9 month appointment for not being more consistent with solid foods. sooooo we've been doing solid meals with you 3x/day. it is a wreck trying to feed TWO babies by myself during the day, but we've been making it work somehow. i've found it's best to feed you and ry at different times. good thing is you have loved everything we put in front of you so that's that!

some of my favorite things:

-the way you prop your leg up in your car seat
-the way your hair wisps up in little swirls around your ears
-your chunky legs
-your two little teeth on bottom (you are getting three more on top!)
-the way you laugh, it's an adorable old lady cackle, but we'll take it!

we've also begun the weaning process since i'll be leaving for Africa before your first birthday. i've been doing formula, bottles, all that stuff. it's been hard on me to have to quit nursing earlier than i'd like, but i really feel like this trip is what God has for me to do. i'm loving watching you grow and am sad that i'm going to miss those 10 days! don't grow too fast! and please no first steps while i'm away!!!

love you forever,

momma

oh! how he loves us!

as i sit in the floor with my children while one presses hard up against me and the other asks me yet another question ("mom what are you doing?") i cant help but feel overwhelmed with gratefulness.

this last weekend a young wife and mother from the church nick and i were members of all through college and the first few years of our marriage passed away. she fought a nasty, nasty cancer for a little over a year. she had numerous treatments, scans, surgeries, sleepless nights, excruciating pain and the evil just continued to spread throughout her body.

her spirit just grew sweeter though.

i've heard countless stories of her joyful and selfless heart. how she cared for others although she was in horrendous pain, the peace that people felt as they entered her hospital room, how she shared Jesus' love with everyone around her-doctors, nurses, loved ones and people following her story all around the world.

we didn't know her well, but have had the privilege to pray for her and her family throughout this battle. she leaves behind a husband of 8 years, a 4 year old daughter, her father, mother and sister, as well as many other friends and family.

as a wife of 6 1/2 years and a mother of two, i can't help but share in the feeling of the deep deep sadness of being separated from a loved one. things have definitely been put into perspective for me. though she is now cancer free and rejoicing with her Savior in heaven i know that she longed for many more days with her loved ones on earth.

this morning i fought hard against the ache in my back while lugging my 2 1/2 year old to the sink for an after breakfast scrub down. i thought about kelsey and how she would have loved to wash her daughter's hands one last time. i really watched as i scrubbed his little fingers together, the water washing away the sticky syrup and pancake crumbs. i didn't mind so much the dirty diapers, the spit up in the carpet, the pajama pants struggle. i thought of kelsey when i washed my hands for the billionth time and felt satisfied in the work i had done. the putting up of the toys (again) as well as the dishes (again). it's all for them. the ones that i love. and today i'm thankful for all of it. the stinky, the crying, the mess, and the clean ups because they are all signs of our life together.

i think back on a wonderful woman who lost her husband this past year and how she compared the separation from him as what God must've felt when He sent His son to earth to die on a cross. oh, what a love He must have for us! to send His only son!

although it is hard for us to fully comprehend everything in our earthly wisdom, kelsey is home, fully healed and complete, celebrating with her Savior, her first love.

please be praying for kelsey's family as they learn to live life without her. please pray that her daughter would be drawn closer to a saving relationship in Christ and that one day they would be united together in heaven! please ask God to give her husband comfort and peace that could only come from Him and wisdom as he leads their family.

i'm still learning to be more present in my life every single day and hope to be better at soaking it all in. chaos and mess included.